No Darts

A young lady named Sally relates an experience she had in a seminary class given by her teacher, Dr. Smith. She says Dr. Smith was known for his elaborate object lessons. One particular day, Sally walked into the seminary and knew they were in for a fun day. On the wall was a big target and on a nearby table were many darts. Dr. Smith told the students to draw a picture of someone that they disliked or someone who had made them angry, and he would allow them to throw darts at the person’s picture. Sally’s girlfriend drew a picture of a girl who had stolen her boyfriend at the person’s picture.  Sally’s girlfriend drew a picture of a girl who had stolen her boyfriend. Another friend drew a picture of his little brother. Sally drew a picture of a former friend, putting a great deal of detail into her drawing, even drawing pimples on the face. She was pleased with the overall effect she had achieved. The class lined up and began throwing darts. Some of the students threw their darts with such force that their targets were ripping apart. Sally looked forward to her turn, and was filled with disappointment when Dr. Smith, because of the time limits, asked the students to return to their seats. As Sally sat thinking about how angry she was because she didn’t have a chance to throw any darts at her target, Dr. Smith began removing the target from the wall. Underneath the target was a picture of Jesus. A hush fell over the room as each student viewed the mangled picture of Jesus; holes and jagged marks covered His face and His eyes were pierced. Dr. Smith quoted this scripture…

 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’”  Matthew 25:40

No other words were necessary; the tear-filled eyes of the students focused only on the picture of Christ.

Revenge.  Anger.  Bitterness.  Unforgiveness.  Hatred.  

We all think these emotions can be controlled...directed toward someone who has done us wrong.  Today’s scripture reminds us that as we treat others... we are treating the One who started our heart beating. 

When we serve the needy... we are serving Christ.

When we are hurting someone with our words, actions, or thoughts... we are hurting the heart of Christ. 

He wants what’s best for us... and His Word tells us time and time again to love Him first and then love everyone else.  Today we will have a chain of decisions to make.  Each one, an opportunity to do the right thing (even when it’s hard).  Which will we choose?  Both reflect what we’re feeling on the inside.  

I pray that each of us would choose to not give others who have hurt us what we think they deserve... but, instead, extend to them the same grace we ourselves receive from Christ each day.  

Choose to forgive.

Choose to leave the past where it belongs.

Choose to make the first move toward reconciliation.

Choose to serve.

Choose to love like Christ.

It’s easier to get even... it’s maturity when we can control those emotions and give our challenges to God.  

Remember, as we treat others, we are treating Jesus.  

Will we throw a dart?

Or will we offer a fresh start? 

The Telephone

Tony Evans, Pastor of Oak Cliff Bible Fellowship in Texas, spoke of being on an elevator in a high-rise building. He didn’t like riding elevators because he worried that something would go wrong.  One day it did.  The car he was riding in got stuck in between floors.   He noted that some of the people in the car became frantic. They began to beat on the door hoping to get someone’s attention. Others began to yell in the hopes that their voices would get someone on the surrounding floors to come to the aid. But nobody heard their noise or their cries. Then Evans quietly made his way to the front of the car, opened a little door in the wall and pulled out a telephone. Immediately he was connected with someone on the outside. He didn’t need to beat on the wall to get their attention. He didn’t need to speak loudly in the phone to receive their help. He could have whispered and they would have heard him.

Anger and yelling did nothing to get those people out of the elevator.   Instead, patience and self-control solved the problem.  The Bible talks about this very thing...

“Better to be patient than powerful;

    better to have self-control than to conquer a city.”  Proverbs 16:32

In any relationship, anger and lack of self-control hurt the ability to honestly communicate.  When one side is afraid of making the other mad for fear of setting off an emotional volcano...there is an issue...and before long, all meaningful communication stops.   If we are going to have deeper relationships, we must be in control of our temper...not over-reacting to a situation or a remark.  By doing so, we create an environment where both sides are equally heard... honesty and trust thrive... and God-honoring solutions are reached.

Volcanoes

I read an article that said that “one out of every five Americans has an anger management problem.”  Anger related violence is the reason stated for 22% of divorces of middle-class marriages.  Studies show that 79% of violent children witnessed some form of violence between their parents.  There are as many clients seeking mental health services for anger as there are clients seeking services for depression and anxiety. 

Anger is everywhere... and you’ve probably seen it lately.  Yesterday on the road... a week ago in your boss’ office... maybe even across the dinner table last night.  There doesn’t seem a way to avoid it... people get angry.  And you have to take it... right?

Far too many of us say yes to that question.  

We spend another day making excuses for a person... defending the “way they are wired”... cowering in a corner... allowing those that are bubbling over to ruin our day with their venom.   A boss, a wife, a child, a husband, a teacher, a parent, or an in-law... all angry... all volcano people... 

The volcano needs boundaries.  We may not get to control how they display their emotions, but we do get to decide how much we will let it influence our lives.  Not sure how to deal with someone who is challenged with anger issues?  Read on.

Here are a few tips that may help you establish the all-important boundary with the volcano person in your life:

1.  Don’t get angry in return.  

“People with understanding control their anger;

    a hot temper shows great foolishness.”  Proverbs 14:29

Getting angry back simply escalates an issue that could be solved through other means.   Angry volcanic people are looking for a fight... when we give in and give it to them, we play right into their hands.  This includes throwing back insults, condescension, sarcasm, and the like.  Don’t let people manipulate you into conflict.  Gentle words minimize tension and allow time for rational thinking.

2.  Don’t tell them to “relax”

When volcanos are erupting with anger... they don’t take commands well.  Have you noticed this during an argument?  If somebody is melting down... let them get through it.  Even the hottest fires burn out eventually.  Remember:

“A gentle answer deflects anger,

    but harsh words make tempers flare.”  Proverbs 15:1

3.  Don’t insult them.  

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”  Proverbs 12:18

Oftentimes, people get angry because they are insecure for one reason or another.  Insulting them causes their anger to increase...the insecurities to be validated... and the tension to escalate.  

One of the greatest Biblical examples of an effective boundary against anger was David’s.  In the book of 1 Samuel, he and his men returned to their hometown of Ziklag to find that all of their wives and children had been captured by the Amelekites.  Rather than get mad at the attackers, the men chose to focus all of their rage against their leader, David.  

(Isn’t that the case with volcano people?  Sometimes they might be angry... but we aren’t the cause... we are just the closest available target.)

Instead of David cowering in fear, giving in, or striking back... He simply does this:

“But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.”  1 Samuel 30:6

Your greatest answer for the angry people in your life is your relationship with God.  He will give you the words you need, the nudge if you need to retreat and take a breath, the reminder that the anger will pass, the wisdom to know when to intervene, and the strength to confront if it’s unavoidable.   

You do not have to put up with anger in your life.  You were not created to be a verbal punching bag... a target for sarcasm... or the victim of somebody’s inability to cope with life.  You are strong in Christ... a precious and protected child of our intentional Creator.  Decide today that you are going to stay strong, set some boundaries, and reclaim your life from the angry and insecure.   

Same Energy

Mother Teresa was once asked “Don’t you ever become angry at the causes of social injustice that you see in India or in any of the places in which you work?”  She thought for a long moment and replied, “Why should I expend energy in anger that I can expend in love.”

During the course of a day, we have a limited amount of both time and energy.  And decision by decision, we get to choose how we use it.   Should we become furious and yell... or be forgiving and loving?  Same amount of time.  Same amount of energy.  So which one is what God wants?  Scripture tells us in James chapter 1 that “the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”  And if our goal is to become more like Christ (which it should be), then the choice is clear.  Why waste time throwing our hands in the air and yelling... instead, why not use that same passion to calm a situation, extend grace, show mercy, and help people see Christ reflected in our love for them.  While this isn’t always the easiest choice, it is the most effective one as we strive forward to reach our God potential.

Holes in the Fence

     There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence.

Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone.

The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger, they leave a scar just like this one.  No matter how many times you apologize, the wound has been made.”

Ever been scarred?  

How can we make peace with our scars... those painful reminders of things that happened to us long ago?  We can be at peace with our hurts because Christ was with His own.  Pierced in the side... nailed at the wrists... Jesus’ resurrection message reassured us that He knew pain, humiliation, and death... but they weren’t enough to take Him out.   We can’t let our own scars knock us down for good either.  

But the scar remains.  We run our fingers over that raised place on our skin and feel some of those original emotions all over again.  Why did she do that to me?  What did he have against me?

Being cut deeply hurts.  

But what if the knife... or the nails... or the words... came from us.

What if we were the ones that caused the holes?  Made the scar?  Did the hurting?

Is there someone walking around today that is running their fingers over a scar that you put there?

What then?  The Bible tells us the steps... 

Confess It To God

“If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”  1 John 1:9

Tell God what He already knows... If we really hurt someone, denying it may help us to believe it but it doesn’t change the truth. God knows us... the sin is there... why not give up trying to hide it from the One who gave you your brain and heart.  Feeling ashamed?  Don’t drop your chin.  Look up... face your Heavenly Father... and tell Him who you’ve hurt.  I promise you that the eyes you will see won’t be stern... but compassionate.  Confession begins the eventual healing of our heart. 

Own It With the One You Wronged

“Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.”  James 5:16

Oftentimes this is the hardest step.  We are OK telling God who we’ve hurt... but actually going to the person and owning the issue can be crippling.  However, your recovery can’t go any further until you make the call, write the letter, Skype, or have coffee with the one who you’ve scarred.  Be strong... take courage... and realize that God will empower you as you attempt to make things right.  You will have the right words at the right time... That restored relationship matters... both to you and God.  

Seek Forgiveness

“For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you,” Matthew 6:14

This step is more than just saying “I’m sorry”... it’s asking for something you haven’t earned from a person who doesn’t have to grant it.  There’s risk involved.  But any relationship that means something occasionally requires forgiveness.  Remember, you and I have already been forgiven for so much.  God loves us with such an incredible degree of passion that He has paid the ultimate price for us missing the target and sinning.  When we seek forgiveness from those we’ve wronged, we can do so knowing that regardless of the outcome, God has paid for that sin...  Getting the “You are forgiven” from a person is important for closure and healing... but knowing the penalty for that issue has already been paid is priceless.

Commit to Not Repeating It

“Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror and, after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.  But whoever looks intently into the perfect law that gives freedom, and continues in it—not forgetting what they have heard, but doing it—they will be blessed in what they do.”  James 1:23-25

What was it that caused the damage in the first place?  Misplaced anger?  Not thinking things through?  Frustration?  Fatigue?  A disconnect with God?  Whatever the reason, once you have forgiveness, commit to fixing and/or changing that behavior permanently.    Many people don’t take this step and find themselves continually seeking forgiveness, hurting again, and repeating the process.  If we are going to be who Christ created us to be, we have a responsibility to reflect His character.  We need to break that chain of cause and effect in our lives... to seek to love others and extend the grace and mercy we ourselves enjoy unmerited.

Forgive yourself

“Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners —of whom I am the worst.  But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.”  1 Timothy 1:15-16

The hardest step of all.  You’ve broken a heart...or a trust...or put holes in a relationship that will never be the same.  You’ve confessed it to God, owned it, sought forgiveness, received it, committed to fixing the issue in your life... 

But why can’t I let it go?  

Read the verse above...  all of us are sinners.  All of us make huge mistakes.  The way to help forgive yourself is to put those errors in context.  

When we mess up... Christ shows us mercy.  When He does that.... He shows the world  sees how patient He is.  When people see that Christ gives grace to the imperfect, they get to know His character.  When they get to know Him... they can begin a relationship with Him.  

Forgive yourself because by doing so, Christ is displayed... we are freed from our past... He gets the credit... others get to see His mercy toward us... and people get saved.

Not easy... but so critically important.

It is my prayer that if the scar came by way of your mistake... you would pray and follow these steps.  You were created for greatness not a life of regret.  Allow today to be your first steps down the road to healing.   

Volcano

People get angry.  A lot.

One anger management firm stated that “one out of every five Americans has an anger management problem.”

Anger related violence is the reason stated for 22% of divorces of middle-class marriages.

Studies show that 79% of violent children witnessed some form of violence between their parents.

There are as many clients seeking mental health services for anger as there are clients seeking services for depression and anxiety. 

Anger is everywhere... and you’ve probably seen it lately.  Yesterday on the road... a week ago in your boss’ office... maybe even across the dinner table last night.  There doesn’t seem a way to avoid it... people get angry.  And you have to take it... right?

Far too many of us say yes to that question.  

We spend another day making excuses for a person... defending the “way they are wired”... cowering in a corner... allowing those that are bubbling over to ruin our day with their venom.   A boss, a wife, a child, a husband, a teacher, a parent, or an in-law... all angry... all volcano people... 

The volcano needs boundaries.  We may not get to control how they display their emotions, but we do get to decide how much we will let it influence our lives.  Not sure how to deal with someone who is challenged with anger issues?  Read on.

Here are a few tips that may help you establish the all-important boundary with the volcano person in your life:

1. Don’t get angry in return.  

“People with understanding control their anger;

    a hot temper shows great foolishness.”  Proverbs 14:29

Getting angry back simply escalates an issue that could be solved through other means.   Angry volcanic people are looking for a fight... when we give in and give it to them, we play right into their hands.  This includes throwing back insults, condescension, sarcasm, and the like.  Don’t let people manipulate you into conflict.  Gentle words minimize tension and allow time for rational thinking.

2.  Don’t tell them to “relax”

When volcanos are erupting with anger... they don’t take commands well.  Have you noticed this during an argument?  If somebody is melting down... let them get through it.  Even the hottest fires burn out eventually.  Remember:

“A gentle answer deflects anger,

    but harsh words make tempers flare.”  Proverbs 15:1

3.  Don’t insult them.  

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”  Proverbs 12:18

Oftentimes, people get angry because they are insecure for one reason or another.  Insulting them causes their anger to increase...the insecurities to be validated... and the tension to escalate.  

One of the greatest Biblical examples of an effective boundary against anger was David’s.  In the book of 1 Samuel, he and his men returned to their hometown of Ziklag to find that all of their wives and children had been captured by the Amelekites.  Rather than get mad at the attackers, the men chose to focus all of their rage against their leader, David.  

(Isn’t that the case with volcano people?  Sometimes they might be angry... but we aren’t the cause... we are just the closest available target.)

Instead of David cowering in fear, giving in, or striking back... He simply does this:

“But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.”  1 Samuel 30:6

Your greatest answer for the angry people in your life is your relationship with God.  He will give you the words you need, the nudge if you need to retreat and take a breath, the reminder that the anger will pass, the wisdom to know when to intervene, and the strength to confront if it’s unavoidable.   

You do not have to put up with anger in your life.  You were not created to be a verbal punching bag... a target for sarcasm... or the victim of somebody’s inability to cope with life.  You are strong in Christ... a precious and protected child of our intentional Creator.  Decide today that you are going to stay strong, set some boundaries, and reclaim your life from the angry and insecure.   

Angry?

Mother Teresa was once asked “Don’t you ever become angry at the causes of social injustice that you see in India or in any of the places in which you work?”  She thought for a long moment and replied, “Why should I expend energy in anger that I can expend in love.”

During the course of a day, we have a limited amount of both time and energy.  And decision by decision, we get to choose how we use it.   Should we become furious and yell... or be forgiving and loving?  Same amount of time.  Same amount of energy.  So which one is what God wants?  Scripture tells us in James chapter 1 that “the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.”  And if our goal is to become more like Christ (which it should be), then the choice is clear.  Why waste time throwing our hands in the air and yelling... instead, why not use that same passion to calm a situation, extend grace, show mercy, and help people see Christ reflected in our love for them.  While this isn’t always the easiest choice, it is the most effective one as we strive forward to reach our God potential.  

Inside Out

People get angry.  A lot.

One anger management firm stated that “one out of every five Americans has an anger management problem.”

Anger related violence is the reason stated for 22% of divorces of middle-class marriages.

Studies show that 79% of violent children witnessed some form of violence between their parents.

There are as many clients seeking mental health services for anger as there are clients seeking services for depression and anxiety. 

Anger is everywhere... and you’ve probably seen it lately.  Yesterday on the road... a week ago in your boss’ office... maybe even across the dinner table last night.  There doesn’t seem a way to avoid it... people get angry.  And you have to take it... right?

Far too many of us say yes to that question.  

We spend another day making excuses for a person... defending the “way they are wired”... cowering in a corner... allowing those that are bubbling over to ruin our day with their venom.   A boss, a wife, a child, a husband, a teacher, a parent, or an in-law... all angry... all volcano people... 

The volcano needs boundaries.  We may not get to control how they display their emotions, but we do get to decide how much we will let it influence our lives.  Not sure how to deal with someone who is challenged with anger issues?  Read on.

Here are a few tips that may help you establish the all-important boundary with the volcano person in your life:

1)  Don’t get angry in return.  

“People with understanding control their anger;

    a hot temper shows great foolishness.”  Proverbs 14:29

Getting angry back simply escalates an issue that could be solved through other means.   Angry volcanic people are looking for a fight... when we give in and give it to them, we play right into their hands.  This includes throwing back insults, condescension, sarcasm, and the like.  Don’t let people manipulate you into conflict.  Gentle words minimize tension and allow time for rational thinking.

2)  Don’t tell them to “relax”

When volcanos are erupting with anger... they don’t take commands well.  Have you noticed this during an argument?  If somebody is melting down... let them get through it.  Even the hottest fires burn out eventually.  Remember:

“A gentle answer deflects anger,

    but harsh words make tempers flare.”  Proverbs 15:1

3)  Don’t insult them.  

“There is one whose rash words are like sword thrusts, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”  Proverbs 12:18

Oftentimes, people get angry because they are insecure for one reason or another.  Insulting them causes their anger to increase...the insecurities to be validated... and the tension to escalate.  

One of the greatest Biblical examples of an effective boundary against anger was David’s.  In the book of 1 Samuel, he and his men returned to their hometown of Ziklag to find that all of their wives and children had been captured by the Amelekites.  Rather than get mad at the attackers, the men chose to focus all of their rage against their leader, David.  

(Isn’t that the case with volcano people?  Sometimes they might be angry... but we aren’t the cause... we are just the closest available target.)

Instead of David cowering in fear, giving in, or striking back... He simply does this:

“But David strengthened himself in the LORD his God.”  1 Samuel 30:6

Your greatest answer for the angry people in your life is your relationship with God.  He will give you the words you need, the nudge if you need to retreat and take a breath, the reminder that the anger will pass, the wisdom to know when to intervene, and the strength to confront if it’s unavoidable.   

You do not have to put up with anger in your life.  You were not created to be a verbal punching bag... a target for sarcasm... or the victim of somebody’s inability to cope with life.  You are strong in Christ... a precious and protected child of our intentional Creator.  Decide today that you are going to stay strong, set some boundaries, and reclaim your life from the angry and insecure.   

Quiet and Composed

A story is told of a woman whose little girl was throwing a temper tantrum as the two went up and down the aisles of a busy grocery store. The toddler sat in the cart screaming and flailing about. As she continued shopping, she could be heard calmly muttering, "Don't yell, Susie. Calm down, Susie. Don't get excited, Susie."   A woman passing by commended her saying, "You certainly are doing a great job trying to calm down your little girl."  The woman replied, “My little girl?  Lady, I'm Susie!”

When a situation gets loud and out of control, most people make the choice to try to calm who they consider to be the source of the chaos.  They place blame... present an argument as to why the other person should stop their behavior... and are quick to deny any wrongdoing.  The Bible wants us to think differently.  In 2 Thessalonians 3, we read that God wants US to have peace at all times.  Not our noisy neighbor.  Not our out-of-control child.  And not that angry boss.  Us.  When things get out of control... God wants us to calm ourselves.  Why?  Because when we get quiet...we can begin to think, pray, and focus on the actual causes of the problems.  In our newly composed state of mind, logic prevails and love and grace can be displayed.  So today, if you find yourself getting angry and feel like placing blame... just stop.  Ask God to calm your spirit.  And choose to be the peaceful one... you’ll avoid making it worse and will honor God’s intentions in the process.  

Time to Evict

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of evil behavior.”  Ephesians 4:31

A 23 year old man in Boca Raton, Florida is trying to snag a 2.5 million dollar mansion for free.  He has moved into the home and has filed an “adverse possession claim.”  In other words... he’s a squatter.  Someone who moves in like he owns the place and won’t leave.  As upset as the neighbors are at this... they can’t seem to get him out and claim that his being there will ruin the neighborhood.

Unforgiveness is a lot like that squatter.  When we’ve been wronged and choose not to pardon someone, it takes up residence in our hearts and refuses to move.  And it doesn’t come alone.  It invites bitterness, resentment, and anger to live upstairs as well.  The Bible tells us in Ephesians to get rid of all of these if we want to get past our past.  The other person may not deserve it (or even ask for it)... but when we forgive, we begin to move forward and our heart can start to heal.   

Cut It Out

A surgeon by the name of Dr. Kane was looking for a candidate for a very routine surgery. He wanted to prove that an appendectomy could be performed under local anesthetic...and that a patient didn’t need to be asleep during the process. After finding his volunteer, Dr. Kane numbed the area and skillfully removed the appendix. During the surgery, the patient was wide awake... even able to talk with the nurses the entire time. Recovery was over after a couple of days and the patient was released from the hospital. That brave patient’s name? Dr. Kane. He had removed his own appendix.

Self-surgery seems absurd. What would drive someone to cut into and remove something from themselves? But the Bible talks about one such surgery in Ephesians 4:31. It says “All bitterness, anger and wrath, shouting and slander must be removed from you, along with all malice.” Here’s the truth... only you can remove these things from your life. Only you can eliminate your bitterness and anger... and every great sermon, every self-help book, and every deep breath can only calm you down temporarily. Scripture tells us these things must be cut out completely from our everyday behavior. How do we do it? Decide to. And when you feel like being bitter or angry... dwell on today’s verse. Remind yourself that God has a plan for your life... He’s given you a destiny that anger, bitterness, malice, and slander will just sidetrack. Ready to make lasting change? Scrub up and get ready doctor... your patient awaits!